For most of us, our first teacher on the topic of love is our parents.  Their views, opinions, and ideas of love, becomes ours as a child. 

As we get older, we meet many more teachers along the way who teach us directly and indirectly about love. As a result, most of us unconsciously create a version and feeling of love without ever really contemplating the true sense of the word ‘love’.

If you have read or heard about the five love languages, you know you could be the most affectionate person on this planet, but it means not much to the person whose love language is ‘acts of service’.  If someone doesn’t feel loved, the reciprocation of love is unlikely unless they are an enlightened being like Jesus or Buddha.  And if we don’t feel loved, we will stop expressing love because unconsciously ‘loving to be loved’ was always our end game.  

Some of us spend our entire lives craving this feeling from a parent, partner, sibling, friend or even a child; to hold on to the feeling all the time because, in that feeling, we feel validated, purposeful, significant. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians”

In the above biblical verse, notice that there is no reference to feeling love; the type of feeling most of us are accustomed to desiring and craving.  What I take away from reading the above verse is that love is made up of virtues. Without certain virtues, love does not exist.

Love is like a cup of Chai!

Imagine a cup of chai. Chai does not exist independently of the tea bag, milk, water, sugar and heat.   When the appropriate amount of these ingredients come together under the right heating conditions we have that delicious Chai.

Love is no different; love cannot exist independently of virtues.

If we genuinely wish to understand love, we should learn to Be Love.

We should stop focusing on feeling love or loved, and instead focus on cultivating the ingredients of love.  As stated in 1 Corinthians, we focus on cultivating the virtues of Patience, kindness, humility, forgiveness, truthfulness, trust, perseverance along with many others such as mindfulness, contentment, equanimity, gratitude and wisdom.

Cultivating these virtues takes effort and time, but as we learn to cultivate these virtues, our old version of love will begin to disintegrate, and the true essence of love awakens within us. 

If you are someone who thinks I already have all these virtues within me and I don’t have to work on it, maybe you are right.  But then I assume your days are filled with inner peace and contentment with no issues with your spouse, kids, parents, friends, colleagues or your own self.  If that is not the case, then many of us are on the same boat.  We could all benefit from making a commitment to cultivating these virtues where we begin to apply it daily in every situation.

How do we cultivate these virtues?

One of the many reasons I am drawn to Buddhist teachings has to do with its methodical approach to cultivating virtues.  The teachings propose meditation as a method for acquainting our minds with virtues. 

The two meditation practices that go together that can help us develop virtues are known as analytical meditation and placement meditation.

The practice begins with reading or listening to an instruction on a specific virtue we wish to develop.  Sitting in silence, we then begin to contemplate the meaning of this instruction. This contemplation is analytical meditation.

By deeply contemplating the instruction, eventually, we reach a conclusion or cause a specific virtuous state of mind to arise. This conclusion or the virtuous state of mind then becomes the object of placement meditation.

Having found our object through analytical meditation, we then concentrate on that object single-pointedly for as long as possible to become deeply acquainted with it. This single-pointed concentration is placement meditation.

Often, analytical meditation is called simply ‘contemplation’, and placement meditation simply ‘meditation’.

How to meditate?

Find a quiet space in your house and sit in a comfortable position with your back straight.  Then find a reading that focuses on a virtue you wish to cultivate.

*For example, if we are meditating on compassion, we begin by contemplating the various sufferings experienced by all living beings until a strong feeling of compassion arises in our hearts. When this feeling arises, we meditate on it single-pointedly. If the feeling fades, or if our mind wanders to another object, we should return to analytical meditation to bring the feeling back to mind. When the feeling of compassion has been restored, we once again leave our analytical meditation and hold the feeling with single-pointed concentration.

Or if we are trying to develop trust, read a verse in the scripture that helps develop that virtue. Example: **“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit.” 

Contemplate this verse until a strong feeling of trust arises in our hearts.  When this feeling arises, we meditate on it single-pointedly. If the feeling fades, or if our mind wanders to another object, we should return to analytical meditation (by reading the scripture again if needed) to bring the feeling of trust back to mind. When the feeling of trust has been restored, we once again leave our analytical meditation and hold the feeling with single-pointed concentration.

You can see how we can take this meditative approach to cultivate virtues regardless of our faith.

The way we end a meditation session is also important.  Close the session with gratitude and dedication; gratitude for this precious human life that has the capability to develop virtues and dedication to remind us that the fruits of the meditation are not intended primarily for us, but to be of benefit to others.

On this journey of cultivating virtues, perhaps our need to feel love or be loved becomes irrelevant.  Instead, we awaken to the true nature of all things in this world from a place of compassionate understanding.

* Geshe Kelsang Gyatso ** Jeremiah 17

Love & Light,

Simi

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