Most of us want to give our best in this world, yet many of us are not living lives to our highest potential.  We stop ourselves from loving and being loved fully and deeply because we fear getting hurt.  We do not pursue our dreams because we fear failure.  We never try public speaking because we fear embarrassment.   And the list continues!

So how do we overcome these fears?

There is a concept in eastern spirituality known as “non-attachment”. In this concept, one trains the mind in overcoming the desires of this world. This concept is misunderstood by many as living passively where we stop caring about the world, do not have any dreams and become one of those monks or nuns who live in a cave. This is not the practice of non-attachment.

Non-attached living comes from the understanding of the true nature of existence and we live from our highest-selves in the present moment. It does not mean living a passive life. It means while one is responsible and active, one does not worry about the past or future. What we detach from is the results of our actions. If our minds are not attached to a certain result, there is nothing left to fear because we have already chosen to embrace reality as it is.

The secret of human freedom is to act well without attachment to the results. — Bhagavad Gita

It is not the world, it’s people or the actions that is at the root of our fears, it is our expectation of a certain outcome from someone or something. We fear reality may not be the same as our expectations. When we fear, we stop trying and continue to stay in our mind-made cages. When we embrace reality as it is and let go of expectations or fears of a certain outcome, in an instant we begin to soar and live life fully and deeply.

Practice living with non-attachment:

Do one loving act towards someone you love everyday or one action towards your dream everyday. Now let go of all expectations. After completing this act, do not expect anything in return including love, validation, gratitude, fame or affection. Continue this practice for a month. Now try it with strangers and several other situations. Notice how over time you become less and less concerned with the fruits of the labor and begin to enjoy the sweetness of a non-attached living.

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Take a moment to reminisce about your happiest moments where you won a trophy or someone called you “pretty” or got a promotion at work, or found your “perfect partner’.  How long did that happiness last before your mind went back to its familiar level of happiness? Depending on the event, it may have lasted a day, a few months or maybe a year, but notice how it always dropped back to its familiar level?

Hedonic treadmill is the treadmill most of us are on in the pursuit of happiness without realizing that there is a familiar level of happiness (a happiness set point) we all return to regardless of what happens to us.

There is a set point or familiar level of happiness each of us are capable of experiencing once our basic necessities such as food, clothing and shelter are met. This set point varies for each individual.  No external conditions can increase this happiness level permanently, yet most of us keep running on the treadmill to only arrive at the same place we started; hence the name hedonic treadmill.

So are we not supposed to feel happy when good things happen? Of course not! We should wholeheartedly enjoy those moments we get to experience in this life. However, what we need to pay attention to and ask ourselves is “where does our familiar level of happiness fall?”

Often, we unconsciously live our days chasing love from our partners/family/friends, more money to buy more things, more validation from others to feel confident, more power to feel in control and more beauty to feel accepted.  This is definitely not the familiar level of happiness any of us would consciously choose.

So how do we get off this treadmill and change our familiar level of happiness?

Resetting the happiness set point (I like to call it “finding contentment”):

Here I am sharing a concept and practice that has helped me and continues to help me.

• Cultivating Self-Love

This is neither the kind of love you give yourself by going to a spa or getting a manicure and pedicure (nice try!) nor is it just a liking of yourself.  If someone asked me a few years ago, if I loved myself, I would have said “of course”.   And, my reasons would have been: I think I’m pretty enough, talented enough, smart enough etc. That must mean I love myself, right? Wrong.

Like many of us, that liking of myself came with conditions.

As women, when we do our hair and makeup, we feel pretty and we like ourselves.

When we find the perfect partner or in those moments our partner is loving towards us, we feel worthy of love and we like ourselves.

When someone pays us a compliment or we achieve something, we feel accepted and we like ourselves.

When we do charity work, we feel noble and we like ourselves.

In this social media age, when we get 100+ likes on one of our posts or 10000 followers, we feel validated and we like ourselves.

You get the point. That feeling of liking ourselves is fleeting, because it is just an emotion created by an external stimulation.  True love of the self can only come from within us.

When we really begin to understand the concept of self-love, even if no one compliments us or we don’t achieve something or we put on some weight, there is a love for the self that is unconditional.

In self-love, you forgive yourself, you accept yourself without comparison, you give yourself permission to say no, you allow yourself to explore and be playful, you seek self-mastery, you ask for help when needed, you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you embrace and love the things that make you different and you recognize your uniqueness in this world.

By practicing self-love, we begin to exist at our highest potential and everyone around us benefits to the fullest.

Self-love Practice:

Listen to your inner dialogue (what your thoughts are about yourself) the next time:

You make a mistake;

You say something you thought was foolish;

You look in the mirror without your hair and makeup done;

You eat something that you told yourself you wouldn’t;

You feel you are not being productive;

You feel you are not spending enough time with your child;

You say something mean to someone;

(Add whatever else relates to you here)

After you listen to it, write it down. Take 10 minutes out of your day to be in a quiet place and replace it with words you would say to your loved ones in that situation (your child, partner, sibling or best friend).

This is just one daily ritual we can do to practice self-love.  To understand this concept better and master it, continue seeking knowledge on this topic.  Search online, read books, keep practicing and one day you will see how it transforms your life to a level you never knew existed.

I’m by no means claiming this is easy to master, but I know from experience that consistently practicing self-love will definitely increase our familiar level of happiness and we begin to understand contentment. In my case, it is also teaching me to live outside my comfort zone, face my fears and create in this world, despite of the outcome.

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