All love stories come to an end whether we consciously choose it or not.

The best case scenario that most of us wish for when we choose our partner is for the love to last a lifetime until one passes away.

But life doesn’t always play out the best case scenarios for us, does it? If it were the case, there would be no need for How-To articles or self-help books.

“Everything has to come to an end, sometime.” ― L. Frank Baum, The Marvelous Land of Oz

Many of us find ourselves in love stories that abruptly ends.

I have often heard that it is easier to cope with the death of a partner than it is to cope with the anger, or worse, the indifferent attitude we receive from our ex after a separation or a divorce.

I suppose there are moments we all experience in this life where death seems a little less tragic; all arising from our delusional thoughts or ‘maya‘ as known in the yogic world.

No one enters a relationship wanting it to end, yet it happens. It happens to almost all of us at some point in our lives.

When I found myself with a broken heart, I didn’t know how or where to begin the healing process. My attachment to the identity of a wife and a mother were so strong that I didn’t know who I was if I lost it.

I searched everywhere for quick fixes, but those of you who have experienced a heartbreak knows that only time can heal. Just as a physical wound takes time to heal, so does an emotional wound.

The time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty. – Dalai Lama

The upside of the challenges we face in life is that these are moments where we have a choice to increase our inner strength. It can be an opportunity to change our perception of reality, to one which liberates us from the shackles of unnecessary suffering.

Looking back at my journey, I realize now that I had come up with my own unique way of healing my heart.  I was determined to grow through this experience by wanting to understand my suffering- the nature and the root cause of it. This growth mindset that I decided to embrace from that single albeit painful experience is what continues to give me the courage to do many things that I once considered impossible.  The choices I made truly were Self-Love in action, although I did not realize it at the time.

Some of the methods I used were recommendations from many books I devoured around that time, and a few others I came up on my own as I was navigating through the different challenges that I felt were unique to who I was in that moment.

1) Seek out and find others who are also mending a broken heart.

You have heard the saying “misery loves company”. So does healing!
Coming together with a circle of people who are also going through similar experiences and do not expect you to “just move on” can do wonders to our bleeding heart.

The key here is, however, to not gravitate towards those who are just looking to constantly complain about their ex with no desire to grow from the experience. So be mindful of whom you bring in to your circle.

2) Take on a new hobby

I know you have heard this technique before, and so did I when I was going through my heartbreak. So, I did just that- I took up martial arts. I began my training in Kungfu which I knew nothing about. I met one of my dearest friends in that Kungfu class.

Focusing on the joy of learning a new art and meeting people from the world of martial arts kept my mind less focused on my pain. This technique really works! So go out there and just immerse yourself in a new hobby. Who knows? You may even find and cultivate a new passion through this experience.

3) Talk to a counselor, life coach or mentor

We can always lean on family and friends at this time, but mental health professionals who have seen hundreds of these type of painful cases are better equipped to help us understand our emotions at this time. They are trained to give us the tools that are necessary to cope with our emotions.

My personal preference was to find a professional that also had some training in Mindfulness because I had already started the practice of mindfulness and was gaining much relief from the emotional roller coaster I was on at that time.

Try not to use the time you have with these professionals to dump your painful angry cyclical thoughts. Use your friends and family for this purpose. If there are no friends or family around, use journaling as a way to vent. Use the professionals to learn the tools to manage emotions and understand why we can’t seem to let go. This approach can save you a tremendous amount of time and money.

4) Create a spiritual practice

Go to church, temples, mosques or whatever your religious/spiritual preference is. If you are not into religion, try meditation or yoga to help you reconnect with that part of you that feels lost.

The spiritual practice that I chose to make a part of my daily life is what gave me an understanding of my inner world and the power I have over it. Even my purpose, that I believe transcends time, came alive in my heart because of my spiritual journey.

5) Read inspiring autobiographies of people who overcame challenges

When I was experiencing painful emotions, I noticed that certain author’s articles and quotes I read would sometimes ease the pain. I felt an instant connection with the messages.  It felt as if they knew exactly what I was feeling which prompted me to find out more about what they may have gone through and how they overcame it.

These autobiographies made me realize I was not alone in my suffering. Reading their stories also allowed me to realize that discipline merged with compassion created our inner strength. And this formula is what allows us to ride the waves of life gracefully.

6) It is OK to keep a distance from ‘couple-friendships’ that you have made in the past

There is a saying, we attract who we are. When I was single, I was surrounded by single friends. Once I got married and moved to a new town, friendships I created all were ‘couple-friendships’.

When a relationship ends, it is also an end of those couple-friendships. It can be painful during the initial stage of our heartbreak to be around ‘couple-friends’ when the other half of our ‘couplehood’ no longer exists.

Be honest with your friends!

If you need space and time away from couple-friendships, it is perfectly ok. Those who love you for who you are will always be there when you are ready to receive them back into your life. At least this has been my experience.

7) Be real with your children.

This was probably the hardest of all my challenges through this experience.

Initially, I wanted to pretend with my kids that everything was normal, that I was happy just so that I wouldn’t worry them. Since they already had to deal with a broken home, I couldn’t bear the thought of them feeling even the slightest discomfort. I put on a “happy face” all the time which was extremely difficult because, in reality, I was far from a happy place.

As I had also incorporated my spiritual practice at this time (#4), it was in meditation that I realized allowing my children to see me in tears also meant that I was allowing myself to be seen as a human and not just as a mom.

I’m by no means suggesting that we cry hysterically in front of young children. What I am trying to convey is that being sad occasionally in front of our children opens the door to talk about human emotions and most importantly, the value of becoming aware of our emotions so that it eases the grip it has over our actions.

As adults, we are taught to have it all figured out all the time (or at least pretend like we do). But from my experience, a parent must feel lost at least once in order to genuinely connect with children- where we become one with their innocence, playfulness, curiosity, creativity and persistence.

From this experience, I learned to look at my children as my spiritual teachers.  Among many valuable lessons I learned from them at the time, the one that I will carry with me for life is the importance of a ‘beginner’s mind’- which Shunryu Suzuki wrote about in which the number of possibilities is unlimited.

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These are just some of the techniques I used to heal myself and we all have our own unique ways to deal with heartbreaks. But I believe the most important element I brought with me on this healing journey was the desire to grow- the growth-oriented mindset.

As humans, we exist in the realm of joy and suffering. As part of a collection of poems, the great poet Gibran wrote:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

Although I have healed from the broken heart, it will be naive of me to think that I will never experience suffering again. But what I have come to realize is that suffering can be one of the greatest teachers in understanding how to lead a fearless fulfilling life. All we need is the determination to grow from those experiences.

Love and Light,

Simi

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